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To have fewer passions
Sep. 6th, 2008 07:47 pmI wonder, sometimes, what it would be like to have only one - or even two - passion. To be able to say "I'm a this", instead of "I do this and this and this and sometimes that. And this other thing." To have only one or two things screaming at me and pounding on my skull and demanding to be done. To be able to devote time to something - anything - and not feel guilty, because it means I'm not doing a dozen or so other things.
I wonder what it would be like to be able to get really good at something, instead of being adequate at several things. I have this aggravating perfectionism that says I can't just be good at something, I ought to be great at it - only it says it about everything. I wonder what it would be like to be able to devote the time it would take to be "great" at something.
I also wonder what it would be like to not have dozens of unfinished and pending projects and commitments. To be able to actually accomplish things in a timely fashion. To not feel constantly guilty because so many things sit undone.
It would be simpler. Less stressful, maybe. Less interesting? If I'd never had it then I wouldn't miss it, would I? Most people are perfectly happy with one or two passions. Probably happier than I am, with my guilt and unfinished projects and inadequacy and constant pull to be doing this that this no this. This is leaving aside the physical considerations I have that severely limits the time I can spend on anything, which I've devoted rants to already.
It's a moot point, ultimately. But while there are benefits to having the breadth of interests that I do, at times like this I am all too aware of the trade-offs, and I wonder.
I wonder what it would be like to be able to get really good at something, instead of being adequate at several things. I have this aggravating perfectionism that says I can't just be good at something, I ought to be great at it - only it says it about everything. I wonder what it would be like to be able to devote the time it would take to be "great" at something.
I also wonder what it would be like to not have dozens of unfinished and pending projects and commitments. To be able to actually accomplish things in a timely fashion. To not feel constantly guilty because so many things sit undone.
It would be simpler. Less stressful, maybe. Less interesting? If I'd never had it then I wouldn't miss it, would I? Most people are perfectly happy with one or two passions. Probably happier than I am, with my guilt and unfinished projects and inadequacy and constant pull to be doing this that this no this. This is leaving aside the physical considerations I have that severely limits the time I can spend on anything, which I've devoted rants to already.
It's a moot point, ultimately. But while there are benefits to having the breadth of interests that I do, at times like this I am all too aware of the trade-offs, and I wonder.