dragonimp

Sooo since tumblr is on the way to a dumpster fire, maybe I should revive things and start posting over here again... anyone still around?

I just sent 2/3rds of my comic books off to be donated. Then went and bought $50 worth of new comics. But I guarantee you the ones I bought are better than the majority of the ones I got rid of.

I realize this isn't a new problem. But it's worse now for various reasons. I seem to have lost just about every friend here I did have to changing platforms and interests, or to my own actions. And while intellectually I know it's mostly due to the former, I'm always afraid it's because of the latter. And while in the first instance you can probably reconnect, in the second that's creepy and stalkerish because the person just wants to be rid of you but polite society won't let them say that directly. And that's always in my mind. Constantly. I'm always convinced that I fucked up in some way or have become someone they don't want to associate with anymore and I would be being obnoxious and clingy and irritating if I contacted them in some way. Because I'm pretty sure that in some cases that is the case, that I fucked up or got obnoxious or in some way became a person they don't want around, and my only hint to this is that I've been unfriended or just that I'm being ignored. I miss you guys, I miss having friends and people to talk to in general, but I don't know how to deal with this. I'm terrified of fucking things up again, of alienating more people. I'm terrified of being that obnoxious clingy person who can't take a hint. I have no way of knowing if a person doesn't really want anything more to do with me but social convention prevents them from saying so, or if they're just busy and absent minded, and I'm terrified of being wrong. And I know this isolation is my own doing but again, I don't know how to fix it, because I'm terrified of making things worse. I'm stuck in this place where I've lost all my old friends and I can't make any new ones because I'm always terrified that no one really wants to hear from me.

If anyone was curious. Copy/pasted from tumblr:

Now that I’ve had a little time to collect myself and I’m not typing on my phone in the parking garage, here’s the deal with the art gallery.  These are the two pictures they put up.  Maybe because they were small; more likely because they’re consistent with each other.

Because that’s what they were looking for; a consistency, or a “brand,” to visually tie an artist’s work into a cohesive unit.  And - hah - if you’ve seen more than one or two pieces of mine, you’ll know my art is anything but.  “Varied” would be a polite way of putting it.  “Scattered and inconsistent” comes to mind.

And I know that.  I know I’m left of center.  I know I’m often to the side of what fandom is looking for or expects.  I know people often don’t know how to take my pieces.  I thought I could play in the sandbox anyway.  But in this case - I can’t.  The fact that I’m an oddball with no consistent style or technique or theme or anything means I’m not what they’re looking for - I’m not welcome.  Right now I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to submit a body of work and be accepted, because I’m just - too abnormal.

That’s the main issue.  The secondary issue is, nothing on the web site indicated that this would be a juried show.  It’s never been juried.  Past years it was show up, ask if there was space available, pay the fee, put your art up.  Two years ago they were doing good that they had a form for you to reserve a panel ahead of time.  We never got any kind of confirmation that it was reserved, we just had to show up and hope they’d gotten all the paperwork together.  So when I failed to get an email this year - I assumed it was the same thing.  But no.  Apparently the fact that I didn’t get an email was my rejection notice.  And nothing on the web site told us that.

The reason for this miscommunication was that the art gallery has changed hands.  Which is good, over all, because previous years really were poorly organized.  The woman running the gallery now is running it like all the other art shows she’s done - juried - and didn’t know we had never been juried.  Didn’t know that not getting a confirmation email was par for the course.  Assumed that we would assume that no email meant not accepted.

So yeah, today was not a good day.  Started with the zipper on my dress completely failing, and moved on to this.

Pretty sure this means I’ll never see hide nor hair of the piece that supposedly sold three years ago.

Picking up the two pieces today, I got the I-hope-you-submit-next-year line, which I know is supposed to be encouraging - but that's the problem. that's the kind of thing you say to be nice. I told her that what I submitted this year was pretty typical, so if they're looking for some sort of artist's brand or cohesive body of work... well... She told me they're judging it on a case-by-case basis, but if what I submitted this year wasn't cohesive enough, I don't see next year being much different. I'm not even sure I want to try.

Right now it's really kinda killed my desire to do any kind of finished art. Why even bother.

I live out in California, but in the northern half and toward the interior, so winter is a thing that happens. And by that I mean we have a few pieces of clothing that get put away for roughly half the year. The last couple years, though, I haven't had to put on more than a sweater and a fleece jacket most days. So then when we get hit with stuff like this?



We, um, kinda aren't equipped to deal with it.

It's not unknown around here. We've got all the freeze warning stuff down like pipes-and-plants-and-pets etc. And I realize those of you who get an actual winter with ice and snow and all are probably rolling your eyes at us wimps, but - yeah, that's kinda the point, we are winter wimps. Like, unless you're someone who habitually travels up to gold country in the winter, you probably don't own more than one or two actual winter tops, and nothing warmer than a pair of jeans, which, um, isn't that warm. I don't think I own any sweaters that are actually wool, and I'm not even sure where I could get one outside of a sports store. I own gloves, but again, they're the wimpy oh-it's-50-degrees-and-kinda-windy, I-don't-want-to-touch-the-steering-wheel kind of gloves.

Our house isn't that well insulated, either, so the heating bill is going to be fun.

But actually? This is more like what I remember from when I was a kid. I remember having to wear a down jacket and walking to school with frost on the ground. This is still extreme for this area, but I'm also kinda going - oh yeah, winter. It's a thing.

Still kinda worn out from the Marathon Con Weekend. Haven't downloaded the few pictures that I got yet, so those'll be in a separate post, but I thought I'd do a bit of a report.

It was hectic and busy and tiring but I had a GREAT time! Got to hang out with tierfal and friend who's internet name I don't know (ack sorry!!) and also got to meet up with actionranger.

But first, the con itself:

( long post is long )

It's not until someone actually posts art to one of the comms that I realize I haven't seen a whole lot of art posts lately. And by "lately" I mean the past few years. I know fandom has slowed in general but I hadn't thought about that part of it.

I've been going so long not posting art - or much about art - here (on LJ/DW, I mean) that I don't really think about it. I kinda assume that people know where to go if they want to see it, but that's probably a false assumption. I wouldn't be surprised if most people on the comms at this point didn't know I do fanart. Not that I produce that much. (And no, I don't think I'll be posting art that's not attached to a fic or something else any time soon.)

I dunno, I just realized I kinda miss seeing art on the comms. But I wish they were more active in general, really.

I dreamed about fire-breathing ducks last night. They ate a certain kind of leafy green and then could breathe fire. It worked for some people, too. They used it for self-defense and to keep down an invasive species of grass that was taking over the roadways.

IDK, I got up far too early this morning to take my mom to the airport, I'm not going to try to make sense of that. I'm going to have a second cup of tea - my first caffeinated cup - and go take a shower.

Yeah, so, I obviously didn't get to this when I thought I would c_c. So yeah, weekend! Part of it was spent getting a new phone, obviously. To be honest, I didn't want a smart phone so much as a newer PDA, as my Palm Tungsten is 6-7 years old and starting to fail. But since solo PDAs don't exist anymore, it was either get an ipod touch - which I'm not really keen on - or a smart phone. So far I really like the Pre Plus. There's a couple things that my old Palm did that it doesn't quite, but nothing major. My only complaints right now are that I wish it had an audiobook player and a document editor. Both may or may not be in the works, but I haven't found apps for them yet.

The other big thing was a trip to Fries, which - for me - turned out to be a bust. The connection between my computer and the external drive I use as a backup failed several weeks ago, and since the problem seemed to be either with the drive or the cable, I figured the cheapest thing to do would be to replace the cable. No good; the computer still can't detect it. I don't have the money for a new external drive at the moment, so that's sorta dead in the water.

The other goal was to get a new mouse. The Gyration Air Mouse I've been using for the past 5 years has started to die, and I figured I had better get a new one before it goes out completely. The one I have was the lower-end model of the time, so I got the current lower-end model, figuring it would be a newer version. Well - no. Yeah, it's a gyro mouse, but that's about the end of the similarities. It's much lighter, which itself wouldn't be a problem, but the weight is balanced funny, it's also smaller, so I end up holding it up in my fingers instead of against my palm. Those two things make the gestures awkward and make me constantly feel like I'm going to drop it. I was also tensing my hand, which kinda defeats the purpose. Also, instead of a rechargeable battery, it uses 2 triple-As. Since this would be my primary mouse, I'd end up going through a lot of batteries.

The upshot of all that is, I need to drive back down to Fries - a 40-minute drive - and exchange it. Gyration has another model that's a)bigger and b)rechargeable that should work much better.

Other than that, I've been spending my time trying to get a bunch of last-minute things done before the con - not all of which have to do with the con. BUT - Sunday evening my mom was kind enough to help me with the costume I've been working on for the past *mumblemumble*. It meant I missed FAP, but under the circumstances, I'd say it was justified. Just a few more touches and it should be done! Which means I should actually have a cosplay!

I just need to attach the mounting hardware to the painting, and then I'm essentially ready for the Art Walk! And it's Monday! There's other stuff I could do, but nothing else that needs to be done. Which makes me a lot freer to attend the virtual conference. All the conference material can be viewed after the fact (it's a conference for ADDers, they know what to expect) but I'd still like to attend a few of the sessions live.

But it also hopefully means I can get other stuff done this week - y'know, like housework.

And maybe some writing.