(no subject)

[dragonimp]

I realize this isn't a new problem. But it's worse now for various reasons. I seem to have lost just about every friend here I did have to changing platforms and interests, or to my own actions. And while intellectually I know it's mostly due to the former, I'm always afraid it's because of the latter. And while in the first instance you can probably reconnect, in the second that's creepy and stalkerish because the person just wants to be rid of you but polite society won't let them say that directly. And that's always in my mind. Constantly. I'm always convinced that I fucked up in some way or have become someone they don't want to associate with anymore and I would be being obnoxious and clingy and irritating if I contacted them in some way. Because I'm pretty sure that in some cases that is the case, that I fucked up or got obnoxious or in some way became a person they don't want around, and my only hint to this is that I've been unfriended or just that I'm being ignored. I miss you guys, I miss having friends and people to talk to in general, but I don't know how to deal with this. I'm terrified of fucking things up again, of alienating more people. I'm terrified of being that obnoxious clingy person who can't take a hint. I have no way of knowing if a person doesn't really want anything more to do with me but social convention prevents them from saying so, or if they're just busy and absent minded, and I'm terrified of being wrong. And I know this isolation is my own doing but again, I don't know how to fix it, because I'm terrified of making things worse. I'm stuck in this place where I've lost all my old friends and I can't make any new ones because I'm always terrified that no one really wants to hear from me.