School and - hell, just school.
Sep. 2nd, 2007 06:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dragonimpI'm having to face the fact - not for the first time - that I pretty much slept through most of my undergrad. Not literally (I don't have ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
shawk's talent), but I may as well have for all I paid attention. I daydreamed through most of my classes, neglected my readings (I sometimes wondered why I bothered to buy the books), did most of my essays and papers at the last minute, and somehow still managed to graduate cum laud(? which I never did learn to spell). Whatever I did learn was mostly through osmosis. Oh, I didn't breeze through any of my classes (except for maybe stats and math 100), I sleepwalked through them, which meant I had an overload of "OMG I don't remember any of this I'll never pass the final!!" stress at the end of each semester.
The thing is, this just doesn't work in grad school. At least not in these classes. Osmosis learning especially doesn't work in online classes. Oh, I miss, I miss, I miss attending lectures. But I don't want to relocated to San Jose and driving down every week is simply not an option. Not to mention that many of the classes are only offered online or hybrid.
If I don't do the readings I'm fucked. I can't make up for it by paying attention (hah) to the class discussion, because there isn't one. But most of the assigned readings make my head spin. I read through it and have no clue by the end what the author was talking about. And then I'm supposed to "critically review" said readings on the discussion board. For credit. So even if I do the readings, I'm fucked.
Even if I do have something akin to a clue after I'm through with the readings, when I sit down to write the review the words just swirl up there and won't come down into any sort of discernible pattern. And they're words like "findability" and "aboutness" and "subjective relevance" and "arithmatic relevance" which you just don't find out in the real world. They're pretty words (I particularly like "aboutness"), but that doesn't mean they swirl any less. They swirl and float and when I try to grab at them they just part and lose whatever protopattern they might have started to make. It's like trying to grab water.
Add to this the fact that online classes means a whole heck of a lot of scheduling and self motivation, both of which I *cough* suck at mightily. ADDers have a notoriously poor sense of time. Everything either must be done NOWRIGHTNOW!! or eh, later (when I get to it). Concepts such as "next week" "next three days" and sometimes "tomorrow" may as well be meaningless, and anything later than "next month" pretty much means "never". That is, until it becomes NOWRIGHTNOW!! and we have a stress attack because we didn't plan ahead. (Plan? What? -Oh, pretty leaves...)
I didn't sleep though my undergrad because I necessarily wanted to. That's just what I always fell into. I'm still tripping and falling into it. But I can't. Which pretty much means I'm fucked.
((Y'know I never used to swear this much before I started writing certain characters. No, not just Ed, he's just the latest.))
shawk's talent), but I may as well have for all I paid attention. I daydreamed through most of my classes, neglected my readings (I sometimes wondered why I bothered to buy the books), did most of my essays and papers at the last minute, and somehow still managed to graduate cum laud(? which I never did learn to spell). Whatever I did learn was mostly through osmosis. Oh, I didn't breeze through any of my classes (except for maybe stats and math 100), I sleepwalked through them, which meant I had an overload of "OMG I don't remember any of this I'll never pass the final!!" stress at the end of each semester.The thing is, this just doesn't work in grad school. At least not in these classes. Osmosis learning especially doesn't work in online classes. Oh, I miss, I miss, I miss attending lectures. But I don't want to relocated to San Jose and driving down every week is simply not an option. Not to mention that many of the classes are only offered online or hybrid.
If I don't do the readings I'm fucked. I can't make up for it by paying attention (hah) to the class discussion, because there isn't one. But most of the assigned readings make my head spin. I read through it and have no clue by the end what the author was talking about. And then I'm supposed to "critically review" said readings on the discussion board. For credit. So even if I do the readings, I'm fucked.
Even if I do have something akin to a clue after I'm through with the readings, when I sit down to write the review the words just swirl up there and won't come down into any sort of discernible pattern. And they're words like "findability" and "aboutness" and "subjective relevance" and "arithmatic relevance" which you just don't find out in the real world. They're pretty words (I particularly like "aboutness"), but that doesn't mean they swirl any less. They swirl and float and when I try to grab at them they just part and lose whatever protopattern they might have started to make. It's like trying to grab water.
Add to this the fact that online classes means a whole heck of a lot of scheduling and self motivation, both of which I *cough* suck at mightily. ADDers have a notoriously poor sense of time. Everything either must be done NOWRIGHTNOW!! or eh, later (when I get to it). Concepts such as "next week" "next three days" and sometimes "tomorrow" may as well be meaningless, and anything later than "next month" pretty much means "never". That is, until it becomes NOWRIGHTNOW!! and we have a stress attack because we didn't plan ahead. (Plan? What? -Oh, pretty leaves...)
I didn't sleep though my undergrad because I necessarily wanted to. That's just what I always fell into. I'm still tripping and falling into it. But I can't. Which pretty much means I'm fucked.
((Y'know I never used to swear this much before I started writing certain characters. No, not just Ed, he's just the latest.))
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2007-09-03 06:12 pm (UTC)I'm never very good at this whole "It'll be all right" thing, but it will be all right. If I can help (even if it's just by writing more Babylon to distract you) then let me know.
Beaut xxx
no subject
Date: 2007-09-03 07:01 pm (UTC)