dragonimp: (twist to fit)
[personal profile] dragonimp
Title: Sex Ed
Author:[livejournal.com profile] dragonimp
Rating: PG-13 for brief technical descriptions of sex
Genre: Humor
Pairing: I actually consider this Gen., but it could be pre-Roy/Ed.
Warnings: None
Summary: "I'm not researching—that!" I was looking at the biological alchemy texts!"
Notes: This little bunny's been chewing at my ankle for almost a year now, from back when I still thought I didn't write fanfiction.

Ed crouched down and scanned the shelf of biological alchemy texts, occasionally pulling one and adding it to the stack in his arms. East City's library wasn't as big as the First Branch in Central, but it still had a decent alchemy section. Theory of Accelerated Healing . . . Chimera Basics. . . Human Sexuality . . . Ethics and Morals of Alchemically Modified Livestock and Crops . . .

Human wha—?

The young alchemist backed up and frowned. That obviously didn't belong—he should set it on the return cart for the librarians to shelve correctly. He pulled it off, intending to do just that and nothing more, but then made the mistake of glancing at the cover.

Hormones and pheromones: the mechanics behind sexual urges. Also discussed . . .

A scientific look at sexuality? None of that stupid romantic shit? Ed glanced up and down the isle, then sat down on the floor and deposited his books in his lap. It couldn't hurt to take a quick look. . . .

. . . A pheromone is any chemical or set of chemicals produced by a living organism that transmits a message to other members of the same species. Many different kinds have been found in animals and insects, including alarm pheromones, food trail pheromones, and sex pheromones. The existence of pheromones in humans has not been proven, but has been suggested by several studies. Other studies have suggested that people might be using odor cues associated with the immune system to select mates who are not closely related to themselves. . . .1

"Not your usual reading material, Fullmetal."

"Wah!!" Edward jumped, and in his haste to shut the incriminating book he fumbled and lost his grip. The text bounced off his knee and fell open on the floor, and before he could retrieve it another hand picked it up. He responded on reflex: "Give that back!"

"Changing the focus of your research?" Ed started and then scowled when he realized just who was settling down in front of him. "You certainly did seem to be absorbed in it."

"I am not, shit-Colonel. It's miss-shelved and I was going to bring it to the return cart."

"Of course, that's why you had your nose in it. Checking for bent pages, perhaps?" Mustang smirked and flipped through the beginning, where Ed had been reading. "Ah, this one is so dry, though. You might try Sexuality and You; I thought it did a much better job."

The young man sputtered, feeling his cheeks heating up. "I'm not researching—that!" He pointed to the shelf in desperation. "I was looking at the biological alchemy texts!"

"Mmm, of course." The bastard chuckled, still flipping through the book. "Come now, Fullmetal, it's nothing to be ashamed of. It's normal for a boy your age to be interested in sex."

Ed choked.

"To be honest, I was beginning to wonder if you'd hit puberty yet. Most fifteen-year-olds are already dating."

"I don't have time to date!"

"Ah, but I suppose most girls wouldn't want to have to bend down to kiss."

"Who's so short he—mmmph!"

He threw himself back from the hand over his mouth, flailing and barely catching himself before he fell over completely.

The Colonel calmly lowered his hand and turned back to the book. "We're in the library, Fullmetal. Rage quietly."

Ed growled, but righted himself and started to gather up the books that he did want.

"Even if you don't care to date, as such, that shouldn't stop you from checking out girls."


"But then maybe you're a little more . . . ah . . . active while away? If the rumors from Aquoya are any indication. . . ."

He paled, then blushed. "Th-that—that's different! I didn't mean to grab her! We were fighting and I only meant to tackle her—"

"Of course you did."

"Not like that!" Something in the way the Colonel had said it made it sound dirty. "Look, Mustang, I'm not a pervert like y—heek!"

Ed threw himself back again, but this time from the book the older man had suddenly held in front of his face. It was open to what seemed to be a rather . . . graphic . . . illustration of . . . of. . . .

Once the penis has achieved sufficient erection the male inserts it into the female's. . . .

He squeaked again and slapped a hand over his eyes.

"I must say the diagrams and illustrations are one of the redeeming qualities of this book, however dry the text."

Edward peeked though his fingers. The book had been withdrawn, so he sat up again, warily eying it where it sat in Mustang's lap.

"Unless. . . ." The older man seemed thoughtful for a moment, then smirked and started flipping through the book again. "Yes, that would explain your seeming lack of interest. . . ."

"Unless what?' he asked, with much trepidation.

"Unless you're interested in men, in which case the illustration you want is in the next chapter. . . ."

Ed scooped up his books and jumped to his feet, "Gotta-go-Al's-waiting-for-me—" then sprinted out of the isle.

Mustang chuckled and stood, heading for the return cart.

1 Paraphrased from Wikipedia

Crossposted at [livejournal.com profile] fma_yaoi and [livejournal.com profile] steelandsparks

Date: 2006-08-11 05:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] anat-astarte.livejournal.com
LMAO! Very cute!

Date: 2006-08-11 05:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dragonimp.livejournal.com
Thank you!

Date: 2006-08-11 06:33 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] enigmaroolz.livejournal.com
--grin-- Funny! Thanks for sharing!

Date: 2006-08-11 05:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dragonimp.livejournal.com
^_^ glad you liked it!

Date: 2006-08-11 07:50 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] flamemetal89.livejournal.com
LOL! Totaly classic xD I could so see Mustang doing that to him! Awesome job

Date: 2006-08-11 05:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dragonimp.livejournal.com
Yeah, Roy's just evil like that :D.

Date: 2006-08-11 08:05 am (UTC)

Date: 2006-08-11 05:27 pm (UTC)

Date: 2006-08-11 10:51 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dragonfemme.livejournal.com
An embarrassed Ed is so adorabley cute! Would love to see Ed sneakin' a peak at the gay section in a sex ed book! LOL!


Date: 2006-08-11 05:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dragonimp.livejournal.com
He'd probably break in after-hours to be embarrased in peace ^_^.

Date: 2006-08-11 11:49 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] yumikoyoshihana.livejournal.com
*laugheschokesdies* that was VERY ammusing XD

Date: 2006-08-11 05:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dragonimp.livejournal.com
::Pokes:: No dying on me now...
^_^ Glad you liked it!

Date: 2006-08-11 03:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] chrstphrl.livejournal.com
*giggles* This is adorable. Roy is so bad.

Date: 2006-08-11 05:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dragonimp.livejournal.com
Isn't he, though? :D Glad you liked it.

Date: 2006-08-11 04:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] honorarymaraudr.livejournal.com
Lol! Now I wanna see Ed looking at the gay sex pictures!

Date: 2006-08-11 05:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dragonimp.livejournal.com
He'd probably break in after-hours - no way he's looking at them while anyone else is there!

Date: 2006-08-11 11:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] keiko-kichi.livejournal.com
Fufufufu. ^w^

Very funny. I loved it.

Date: 2006-08-11 11:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dragonimp.livejournal.com
^_^ thanks!

Date: 2006-08-12 12:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lilang-luha.livejournal.com
omfg. this is good. it's been a while since i read a good drabble. awesme awesome, it'd be great if this had a sequel as well :D

Date: 2006-08-12 04:10 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dragonimp.livejournal.com
Thanks! ^_^
(I have no idea where I would go with a sequel!)

Date: 2006-08-12 04:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] priestess-grrrl.livejournal.com
hahaha! Wicked funny! How is that Roy is so familiar with all the sex books in the Library? Shouldn't he be above needing to do research at this point? What, was it required reading for little Colonels? ^_~

Date: 2006-08-12 05:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dragonimp.livejournal.com
Hmm, good question ^_^. Maybe he was extra-bored one day.

Date: 2006-08-18 03:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] greedy-lover.livejournal.com
oh so funny XD *wonders how roy knew about the gay section* isaw the comments for a sequel and ed looking at gay pics. for a sequel, why don't you have ed looking at the pics and asking roy what ones he would like to try out XD

Date: 2006-08-18 05:00 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dragonimp.livejournal.com
Roy probably just got curious and/or bored at some point ^_~. Either that, or he's really, really thorough in his "research."

I really do mean for this to be gen., but that would be amusing, to say the least XD. Maybe as an alternate. (At some point. If someone else wanted to write it, I'm all for that, I'm not going to have the time ::sigh::)

Date: 2006-08-18 06:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] greedy-lover.livejournal.com
i could try, if you would like. might be a while though cause there is no computer in my house, at all. andif you have, let's say, a ceratin postion in mind, let me know and i could try it. you might have to explain it to me though, i don't know even half of them ^^; i don't even know what noncon is, but i think i do now, but not opsitve.

Date: 2006-08-19 04:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dragonimp.livejournal.com
Feel free :3. No specific positions or situations in mind, but then I'm sure those boys like to experiment ^_^. If you're unsure about positions, you could always look through Minotaur's sex tips for slash writers (http://www.squidge.org/~minotaur/classic/eroc.html), which has all you need to know and more (just, um, don't look at it in a public place ^^;).

"Noncon" is short for non-consensual, BTW, just in case you weren't sure :).

Date: 2006-08-19 04:49 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] greedy-lover.livejournal.com
thanks, that confirmed it for me. i never heard of it being shortened like that and didn't think about until i posted that comment. i didn't even know what lemon meant at first xD i need a dictionary like that . there are so many terms i don't know.

Date: 2006-08-20 03:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dragonimp.livejournal.com
If there isn't a dictionary somewhere, there should be! There are far too many fan terms and abbreviations and acronyms ^^;. I still can't keep all the citiris terms straight (lemon and lime are the only ones commonly used, though).

Date: 2006-08-22 12:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] calicedesang.livejournal.com
Haha, that was so funny and cute!

Date: 2006-08-22 06:02 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dragonimp.livejournal.com
^^ Thanks!

Date: 2006-11-06 07:10 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladyshadowphyre.livejournal.com
~snickersnortdies~ Oh boy, Roy... that teasing's likely to come back and bite you on the arse one of these days. ~adds to Memories because she can't not add it~

Date: 2006-11-06 08:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dragonimp.livejournal.com
If it did come back to bite him, I somehow doubt he'd be complaining >:)

Glad you liked it!

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