I hate having to *ask*, but...

[dragonimp]

It's true that I wrote this mostly to get Cassie off my back, but I wouldn't mind some feedback on it. I know it falls apart toward the end and has no focus. I know it needs a greater structure. Is it just too weird? Does the execution suck? Am I better off dropping the idea? I'm dead serious, I want to hear what's wrong with it.